Winter.

I feel like every winter for now on is going to teach me something for here on out. I hate seeing my room in such disarray, but I just don't have the desire to feel more pain. Cleaning takes a toll on my body along with other simple things in the Winter and having full feeling of the pain and my fractures makes me so lazy to do things that I would normally in the Summer not have to struggle with so much. Not having a crutch like Pain killers is hard too. The pain was pretty bad the other night, it just would not stop, it was the first time the word Norco popped into my head. Knowing that I could relax and sleep instead of feel this pain just by taking a pill was welcomed. I need to find other ways to distract my brain from the pain. I go out as much as possible and do as much as I can. I just want to keep my mind distracted and away from the pain and the stiffness. It really is not that bad though, not intolerable. Not at all at the level that I expected. I have to admit that I am picking up a bad habit. Smoking cigarettes...I feel ashamed saying it because I know what they do to you, but I really don't NEED weed the way I used for my stomach. My champion of a stomach is pretty well healed, so I just don't need it like i used to and it's just tooo expensive and I cannot afford it. It helps me tremendously with relaxing and helping me cope with the pain, but I can get by without it now that my stomach is healed. The pain is tolerable, well i have to keep telling myself that. It does have its moments though. Anyways, smoking is nasty and smells, but for a brief amount of time I escape the pain and the stiffness and I am light. I know that once this Winter passes and the cold is gone I will not desire cigarettes. The warmth will do plenty soothing. January is almost here and I cannot wait! Insurance once again.

Health Insurance

My new Kaiser card came in the mail Today! As of Jan 1st I will once again be insured!!! Best Christmas gift a President has ever given me. Thank you Obama. The first thing I plan on doing...after getting my peepers checked and fitting them with some fresh frames is e-mailing my endocrinologist and scheduling a bone density scan. I had a bone strengthening treatment a year ago before my insurance ended and I feel better, stronger, and it would be nice to see if my bones did gain some density. I would be so grateful. I feel amazing and life is at my feet, that would just give me more hope that my body can keep bouncing back. It will also be pretty relieving not to have to walk on egg shells hoping that I don't get hurt, because of not having insurance. A great weight off my shoulders. Not that I want to get hurt, but knowing that if I do I am covered is a huge relief. VIVA LA VIDA!

The cold has arrived.

Hello pain. My body dreads the cold. Every muscle around my fractures tenses up and intensifies with pain. The bone hurts to the core. Yesterday I could not put my full weight on my right leg. Today it is my neck and T- spine. Old injuries never go away, they come back and remind me distinctly of their existence in the cold. All Fall/Winter long they accompany me through the holidays. Icy hot, heated blankets and laying lifeless in bed. I am going crazy now. I hate feeling like this. I just hope for patience through my first winter since the accident with no pain killers. I can be my own worst enemy when I am immobile it just gets me so down. literally. I have to fight back harder than ever this winter and accept the pain and that I am going to spend lots of time in bed and in pain. : / All I really can ask for is to be healthy enough not to miss a day of work, with that alone it will have been a good cold season. May God be with me y ke la virginsita me cuide.

Just a rib

So I have been doing amazing. Leaving opioids was the best thing I have ever done. Taking that leap of faith has paid wayy off. I feel amazing and free. I have been going dancing something I love to do and although I can't dance as long and as much as I used to, I still can and that is good enough for me. So getting on with the story, last Sunday I cracked my back left rib. Just a little it barely hurt, I am guessing probably just a little hairline or stress fracture, so well what do I go and do? I went dancing again a week later and Tuesday night I really cracked it. It snapped and the pain shot up and diagonal and straight down. It was thankfully already close to the end of the night, but man do I know how to hurt myself or what? I have no one to blame nor can I complain because I should have known better. I knew my rib was weak and I know how the dance steps go. Ooh well. A good 6 weeks no dancing and a good 2 weeks before it's tolerable. My Nanies (grandma) has been doing salt water treatments on my rib and it has actually really helped. I feel more mobility, not much more it is broken, but I am able to turn in bed with a little less effort, etc. I am thankful that it was just a rib.

Drug Free

...is the way to be. I am completely detoxed and off of opioids. It feels so great, so freeing. I feel alive and my body is taking charge and finding its own sleep pattern. I am sleepy by 10 and in bed by 10:30pm. I wake up around 7-8. It really trips me out, because I have always been one to sleep. Sleep until the very last minute and now my body tells me no, wake up, get up. I am so glad that I took the leap of faith and that my body responded so well. I am feeling things that I have not felt or that I numbed with pain killers; such as cracking, stiffness, and just feeling my bones. Feeling the weakness. Other than really feeling that the pain is really nonexistent. I have a few pains every now and then, but nothing that I cannot handle. I have not missed one day of my externship since I have detoxed. I feel so great. I thank God for giving me the strength and the mind power to overcome.

No Patch

So, it's Monday and I got about 30 mins of sleep last night. Friday I put the last 25mcg/hr patch that I own and too much seeped into my pores due to direct sunlight. I felt drugged and then Saturday morning I had the worst migraine. It was concentrated in my right temple area. My room had become a cave for the duration of the day and into the night. Sunday comes and since too much Fentynal went in at one time, there was not enough to fill the 72 hour life it has. Withdrawals started Sunday. Before the 12 mcg/hr pacthes that my doctor has prescribed to me, there were only 25's. So, although I have my prescription of 12's waiting for me, I think I am just going to let the withdrawals come full force and get off now. I have missed a weekend due to side effects of medication that is suppose to be helping me. Pain is pain, We need to learn to deal with pain in other ways besides taking medications that only hurt us further. If anyone would have said "Melissa, I know that you are in pain, but these medications are going to eat you alive, you will throw up at east 4 times a day, you will sleep constantly, and you will also lose 20 lbs.." Maybe, I would have thought twice. Opioids are a tricky and deadly medication. Dr. only seem to increase the dosage, which only adds to the intensity of the cycle. For people with everyday chronic pain the best thing is to fight through it. Mind over matter. Because nothing no matter what is going to change the injury or the pain that injury leaves behind as a constant reminder. We need to embrace our pain and make it part of us, only to make us stronger. I pray to God that I can be strong enough to overcome this and still accomplish my goal of finishing my externship.

Tuesday with Pain

AHHH. I am doing my extern worth 660 hours and Tuesdays are my 8 hour days, but where am I? In bed. This bloody bed. We definitely have a love/hate relationship, my bed and I. Yes, I love to sleep, sleeping in is the best in my opinion and i sleep so very well. I can dream so vividly, but when I am forced to be in bed, I despise it. Especially when I lay here seeing how messy my room has gotten and my laundry just keeps piling. I am now using these 25 mcg/hr patches. I am really worried about the next step down, then NOTHING. It tames my pain very mildly and gives me no extra energy like the other doses. I can feel the entire right lateral side of my spine, I can feel the weakness, stiffness, and pain. From C-1 down to T-12. My right hip and femur and Rt collar bone aren't feeling so hot either. I hope that God gives me the strength I need mentally and physically to get over this hump and detox completely, while maintaining my routine. At least completing my Extern.

Mornings.

Are the worst. My neck is always the sorest and stiffest. I had 2 lateral fractures on the right side of my neck. Did not hurt that much compared to others, but has had the weirdest after symptoms. Every once inawhile it pops I don't know how else to describe it. It pops and this thick pain shots up my neck and into my head it feels like. I stiffen and the pain is so indescribable. My stomach always falls to my feet. It lasts seconds, but the scare lasts longer. I have stomach ulcers in my stomach due to all the pain killers they were giving me. Since my accident on '06 I have been on opioids. It's been almost a year since I chucked my pills and have not looked back. I am still on the Fentynal patch however I am being slowly winged. From 75 mcg's to now 25mcg's and next month hopefully none. Due to the pills and all the side effects I dropped 20 pounds, they ate my alive. It's taken time, but I am gaining. The one thing that has allowed me to eat and get over the nausea is Medical Cannabis. Mornings would not be overcome if it was not for marijuana. I have to say that it does get very tiring always relying on something to make me feel better, so I have also stopped smoking like a chimney. I only smoke when it is utterly the sickest nausea or greatest tension in my nerves, which causes pain. Here's to OVERCOMING! No mas quiero vivir, sin protextos.

What is OI?

Osteogenesis Imperfecta

(osteo=bone) (genesis=creation) Imperfecta is latin for imperfect...

 imperfect bone creation. OI is a genetic connective tissue disorder that causes defective bone/skin/teeth/and nail growth.  Causing fractures from very mild or no trauma at all. Also called Brittle Bone disease. There are about 8 types, ranging from moderate to severe. I am one of the lucky moderates. Type 1 moderate. Well, when I say lucky I mean as lucky as you can get when the OI gene is in your blood. I am an autosomal dominant and my DNA comes back negative for OI. Genetics are tricky and after two tests one being collagen(12 years of age) and then later as technology grew and I was tested again by blood( 21 years of age), still no answer as to what type, came back once again negative. The conclusion was drawn that BOTH my parents carry a recessive OI gene and out of all the people to meet and have a baby, they did.My blood shows no mutation, because I am a dominant.  The result a baby girl born with 6 broken ribs. I am now 22 and have had 30 fractures my spine has a density of -2. in my spine...equivalent to a 60 year old woman. Which puts me into the category of Osteopenia just a couple steps before Osteoporosis.  Many back braces and even a full torso/neck cast. 

At 22 I am learning to deal, understand, and grow with OI. As a child I always had my breaks and recoveries, but I never thought I was less. I never thought about my future differently than any other normal girl. However after a traumatic car accident in '06 everything changed. Chronic pain had taken over and so did medications for pain. WORST thing I ever did was seek chronic pain medication. Thank God I do not have an addictive personality or things could have been much worse. They are just killers, just plain killers. They are no way to live or lead a life.