Cracking is what I fear the most, it is the sound that sends chills up and down me. Since I woke up this morning, my neck won't stop cracking. The drive to work was horrible, with every turn of my neck stiffness and cracking. I have not been able to sit up straight for a few days now. My mobility is declining some, it takes me some time to put weight on my right leg and I am getting spuratik spasms in my back and right hip/leg area. The pain in my spine is focused on my right side and around my scapula and my old T11/T12 injury. My spine is feeling weaker than usual, but still not as bad as I know it can get. I am just praying the cracking will chill out and that I can keep getting through this and make it to work. Toasts to El Ano Nuevo.

Winter.

I feel like every winter for now on is going to teach me something for here on out. I hate seeing my room in such disarray, but I just don't have the desire to feel more pain. Cleaning takes a toll on my body along with other simple things in the Winter and having full feeling of the pain and my fractures makes me so lazy to do things that I would normally in the Summer not have to struggle with so much. Not having a crutch like Pain killers is hard too. The pain was pretty bad the other night, it just would not stop, it was the first time the word Norco popped into my head. Knowing that I could relax and sleep instead of feel this pain just by taking a pill was welcomed. I need to find other ways to distract my brain from the pain. I go out as much as possible and do as much as I can. I just want to keep my mind distracted and away from the pain and the stiffness. It really is not that bad though, not intolerable. Not at all at the level that I expected. I have to admit that I am picking up a bad habit. Smoking cigarettes...I feel ashamed saying it because I know what they do to you, but I really don't NEED weed the way I used for my stomach. My champion of a stomach is pretty well healed, so I just don't need it like i used to and it's just tooo expensive and I cannot afford it. It helps me tremendously with relaxing and helping me cope with the pain, but I can get by without it now that my stomach is healed. The pain is tolerable, well i have to keep telling myself that. It does have its moments though. Anyways, smoking is nasty and smells, but for a brief amount of time I escape the pain and the stiffness and I am light. I know that once this Winter passes and the cold is gone I will not desire cigarettes. The warmth will do plenty soothing. January is almost here and I cannot wait! Insurance once again.

Health Insurance

My new Kaiser card came in the mail Today! As of Jan 1st I will once again be insured!!! Best Christmas gift a President has ever given me. Thank you Obama. The first thing I plan on doing...after getting my peepers checked and fitting them with some fresh frames is e-mailing my endocrinologist and scheduling a bone density scan. I had a bone strengthening treatment a year ago before my insurance ended and I feel better, stronger, and it would be nice to see if my bones did gain some density. I would be so grateful. I feel amazing and life is at my feet, that would just give me more hope that my body can keep bouncing back. It will also be pretty relieving not to have to walk on egg shells hoping that I don't get hurt, because of not having insurance. A great weight off my shoulders. Not that I want to get hurt, but knowing that if I do I am covered is a huge relief. VIVA LA VIDA!

The cold has arrived.

Hello pain. My body dreads the cold. Every muscle around my fractures tenses up and intensifies with pain. The bone hurts to the core. Yesterday I could not put my full weight on my right leg. Today it is my neck and T- spine. Old injuries never go away, they come back and remind me distinctly of their existence in the cold. All Fall/Winter long they accompany me through the holidays. Icy hot, heated blankets and laying lifeless in bed. I am going crazy now. I hate feeling like this. I just hope for patience through my first winter since the accident with no pain killers. I can be my own worst enemy when I am immobile it just gets me so down. literally. I have to fight back harder than ever this winter and accept the pain and that I am going to spend lots of time in bed and in pain. : / All I really can ask for is to be healthy enough not to miss a day of work, with that alone it will have been a good cold season. May God be with me y ke la virginsita me cuide.

Just a rib

So I have been doing amazing. Leaving opioids was the best thing I have ever done. Taking that leap of faith has paid wayy off. I feel amazing and free. I have been going dancing something I love to do and although I can't dance as long and as much as I used to, I still can and that is good enough for me. So getting on with the story, last Sunday I cracked my back left rib. Just a little it barely hurt, I am guessing probably just a little hairline or stress fracture, so well what do I go and do? I went dancing again a week later and Tuesday night I really cracked it. It snapped and the pain shot up and diagonal and straight down. It was thankfully already close to the end of the night, but man do I know how to hurt myself or what? I have no one to blame nor can I complain because I should have known better. I knew my rib was weak and I know how the dance steps go. Ooh well. A good 6 weeks no dancing and a good 2 weeks before it's tolerable. My Nanies (grandma) has been doing salt water treatments on my rib and it has actually really helped. I feel more mobility, not much more it is broken, but I am able to turn in bed with a little less effort, etc. I am thankful that it was just a rib.

Drug Free

...is the way to be. I am completely detoxed and off of opioids. It feels so great, so freeing. I feel alive and my body is taking charge and finding its own sleep pattern. I am sleepy by 10 and in bed by 10:30pm. I wake up around 7-8. It really trips me out, because I have always been one to sleep. Sleep until the very last minute and now my body tells me no, wake up, get up. I am so glad that I took the leap of faith and that my body responded so well. I am feeling things that I have not felt or that I numbed with pain killers; such as cracking, stiffness, and just feeling my bones. Feeling the weakness. Other than really feeling that the pain is really nonexistent. I have a few pains every now and then, but nothing that I cannot handle. I have not missed one day of my externship since I have detoxed. I feel so great. I thank God for giving me the strength and the mind power to overcome.

No Patch

So, it's Monday and I got about 30 mins of sleep last night. Friday I put the last 25mcg/hr patch that I own and too much seeped into my pores due to direct sunlight. I felt drugged and then Saturday morning I had the worst migraine. It was concentrated in my right temple area. My room had become a cave for the duration of the day and into the night. Sunday comes and since too much Fentynal went in at one time, there was not enough to fill the 72 hour life it has. Withdrawals started Sunday. Before the 12 mcg/hr pacthes that my doctor has prescribed to me, there were only 25's. So, although I have my prescription of 12's waiting for me, I think I am just going to let the withdrawals come full force and get off now. I have missed a weekend due to side effects of medication that is suppose to be helping me. Pain is pain, We need to learn to deal with pain in other ways besides taking medications that only hurt us further. If anyone would have said "Melissa, I know that you are in pain, but these medications are going to eat you alive, you will throw up at east 4 times a day, you will sleep constantly, and you will also lose 20 lbs.." Maybe, I would have thought twice. Opioids are a tricky and deadly medication. Dr. only seem to increase the dosage, which only adds to the intensity of the cycle. For people with everyday chronic pain the best thing is to fight through it. Mind over matter. Because nothing no matter what is going to change the injury or the pain that injury leaves behind as a constant reminder. We need to embrace our pain and make it part of us, only to make us stronger. I pray to God that I can be strong enough to overcome this and still accomplish my goal of finishing my externship.